DIRTY DEEDS 2Something like 880 pages of romping bloody mayhem filled magical murder and mischief.
“We’re getting married—again!”
Mallory Parker, my grandmother, made that pronouncement in a loud, proud voice and followed it up with a wide, beaming smile. Me? I held back a groan and downed some water from my crystal goblet to hide the grimace twisting my face.
Stuart Mosley, Mallory’s husband, must have noticed my lack of enthusiasm, because he leaned forward and looked at me. “Don’t worry, Lorelei. We’re not actually getting married again. We’ve already been through that whole shebang once, which was plenty for me.”
Mallory’s blue eyes narrowed, and every single part of her body bristled, including the wrinkles that lined her face. She sat up to her full height and somehow managed to peer down her nose at Mosley, despite the fact that they were both dwarves and only around five feet tall. “I wasn’t aware that one of the happiest days of my life was a shebang.”
Mosley reached over and squeezed her hand, his hazel eyes gleaming in his tan, wrinkled face. “You know what I mean. All the fuss around planning the wedding. Picking out suits and dresses and flowers and ten different desserts for the reception. Now, that was most definitely a shebang. And for the record, it was one of the happiest days of my life too. And every day since then has only made me happier.”
A pleased, pink blush swept across Mallory’s pale cheeks. She curled her hand into his, and the massive diamond ring on her finger sparkled like a star. The two elderly dwarves stared into each other’s eyes, completely focused on the love they saw reflected in each other’s soft, adoring gaze.
They were a striking, distinguished couple. With her teased, cloudlike coif of snow-white hair, powder-blue cocktail dress, and perfect posture, Mallory looked as regal as a queen. Mosley’s wavy silver hair was expertly cut and styled, and his navy suit was impeccable, although his hooked, slightly crooked nose made him look more like a retired boxer than the president of First Trust bank and one of the most powerful businessmen in Ashland.
I cleared my throat, interrupting their lovey-dovey staring contest. “So, if you’re not going through the whole shebang again, then what are you doing?”
Mallory pulled her gaze away from Mosley and focused on me again. “We’re simply hosting a second reception, because…” Her voice trailed off. “Well, you know what happened at our first wedding reception.”
Everyone in Ashland knew what had happened at Mallory and Mosley’s reception, which had been the grand finale to their Valentine’s Day wedding last month. For the most part, things had gone off without a hitch. The actual wedding ceremony had been a beautiful affair, held in a ballroom at the Five Oaks Country Club and attended by friends and family from both near and far. The following reception had featured scrumptious food, lovely decorations, and upbeat music, and everyone had been talking, laughing, dancing, and having a terrific time.
Until Emery Slater had crashed the party.
The female giant had stormed into the ballroom and taken everyone hostage. Emery and her fellow giants had threatened to start shooting people unless Gin Blanco, the assassin known as the Spider, had agreed to leave with them. And in true Gin-being-Gin fashion, she had sacrificed herself and gone with the giants to protect the innocent guests, who had included her own friends and family.
“I told you that asking Gin to be a bridesmaid was risky,” I said. “Especially since she was hot on the trail of Mason Mitchell at the time.”
***
And now a longer snippet from my new story and new world, Magic School For Geezers:
Dani was staring too long. Something had to be happening out that window, something important to their case. Marvin had been a Marine way back when, and that situational awareness was still with him even now. He knew where every person in the room was, including the guard watching their table. To cover for Dani, he took Mable’s hand and kissed her knuckles with a loud smacking sound. “Oh, Mable baby, tonight will be fun!”
Marvin had a lot of skills, but his best skill was his charm. Even at seventy, he was still a well-built, sizable, good looking man with a big personality, and people talked to him, spilling all kinds of beans, because he was so damn delightful. The ladies especially let things slip, things they might not have said, had he acted less bombastic. It stood him well in investigations like this one, and playing the foul mouthed sex fiend was right up his alley. The ladies still flocked to him and he didn’t mind flirting to learn stuff, though he would never act on it, not since he tracked down and wooed his high school sweetie.
For a variety of IRS and pension reasons, he and Mable had never married, but he’d never cheat on her. He blew her a kiss and she blushed, for real this time.
He liked it when she blushed. She looked pretty with her blond hair curled like a combination of Farrah Fawcett and Princess Diana. When her face went all pink, she was gorgeous. Mable was the love of his life, and though she played the simpering doll baby, she was also brilliant.
From the corner of his eye, he saw Zeddie, their void assistant, a human with null capabilities who couldn’t be affected by magics, approaching. Zeddie was pushing their food trays under stainless steel plate covers, along with a coffee carafe and a fresh pitcher of tea.
“Fuck,” Marvin said again, drawing Zeddie’s attention. Dani wasn’t usually so obvious about her nosy curiosity.
Mable giggled.
Marvin released her fingers and raised his cup in her direction as if toasting her. “Later, babe. I’ll make you happy alllll over.”
Sandra sighed and closed her eyes, as if praying. Maybe she was. Sandra was good like that, and even though she had lost her family and her church—an apostolic church she and her husband had started in their youth—when her magic fell on her, she kept praying. Marvin didn’t believe, but some small part of him was always happy she that prayed for him.
Dani sipped her iced tea and ignored them, as usual, but she looked around the dining room, away from the window.
“Is everything okay, Mr. Danvers?” Zeddie asked, his red chin hair twitching, his brown eyes darting between them. “Your instructors want you to use care with the language. You know. After what happened last week.”
“It was just a little dirt,” Marvin said, pretending to get huffy. “High quality dirt. If you people hadn’t quit using cloth tablecloths, there wouldn’ta been any fucking plastic around to be transmuted. I told Devoe that, but did she put cloth back on the tables? No. She’s a cheap-wad.” As Marvin complained, Zeddie put their plates in front of them.
“Let me refresh your coffee,” Zeddie said, a barely hidden threat.
“Touch my coffee, lose a hand. Fucking decaf,” he muttered, this time really annoyed.
Marvin had bribed Zeddie to supply his bourbon and his real coffee stash. A fella hadda do something to survive in magic school for old geezers. Zeddie always referred to the students as inmates or geezers, and Tridevi Investigations had picked up on the terms. Geezers. Inmates. Not students. Kids these days had no respect for the elderly. But Marvin had to stay on Zeddie’s good side or he’d lose the smuggled bourbon, real coffee, and the investigation firm’s other necessities.
Zeddie turned to look at Dani, who was still silent, and again staring out the window. Marvin had to act fast.
“And here.” Marvin grabbed up his plate and shoved it at Zeddie. “This meatloaf is shit.”
On the plate, Marvin’s cold, gelatinous meatloaf turned to good rich garden dirt at the cursing. Marvin had a talent with beef as well as plastic. Good thing there were no cattle farms nearby or he’d have had to work real hard to keep from bankrupting a farmer.
Zeddie sighed. “Shall a bring you a hamburger, Mr. Danvers?”
“Whatever. Since that cheap-wad COO Devoe let the chef go, even the burgers suck donkey—”
“Stop!” Sandra shouted. “Enough of the language you disgusting man.” She slammed her hand on the table top and started to stand. “If you say another word I will backhand you to Jesus.”
***
When the going gets tough, the tough get their hands dirty.
Join NY Times bestselling authors Faith Hunter and Jennifer Estep along with USA Today bestselling authors R.J. Blain, Diana Pharaoh Francis, and Devon Monk on a brand-new romp through magical worlds where the damsels bring the distress, what can go wrong will go wrong, and nothing is as it seems.
Adventure with Eli Younger, Liz Everhart, and Brute in the thrilling world of Jane Yellowrock. Face off against old gods and lost souls at a magical crossroads on Route 66. Become entangled in Ashland’s dark, deadly web with side characters from the Elemental Assassin series. Return to the irreverent world of Beck Wyatt, where disaster waits around every corner and cheesecake makes it all worthwhile. And finally, meet up with the Quinns and friends in the zany world of the Magical Romantic Comedy (with a body count) series.
In this collection of all-new urban fantasy and paranormal stories, the gloves are off and simply surviving might just be the dirtiest, most difficult deed of all.
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Available now at the following retailers:
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Hope you enjoyed,
Faith